life has been... crazy!

First, i have a new boyfriend... Jeremy
He is wonderful.
We have spent the last month and a half seeing each other all day and all night and keeping eachother way busy. Beaches, movies, dances, dodger games, bowling, mall, in n out, rockband, hot tubs, concert in the park, ikea, acton, we have pretty much been going non stop. However, we have only been officially dating for a week lol
It all started on my Birthday long ago... and then after him continually trying to take me on a date and me persistantly saying no, I finally gave in.
We went out to the aqueduct in Palmdale and we went for a walk to over look the city, which was really fun but it was sooooo windy. Then we came back and we were dancing under the stars as he sang to me for the first time, then asked me to be his girlfriend, yah it was cute!
So in that regards life has been peachy.

In all other regards life has been horrid, like cabbage, yuck.
There was a period of about 3 weeks where every single friend I thought I had turned on me, and big time. I mean full out yelling brawls, cat fights, gossip, rumors, drama up the wazoo. More that all of my life combined, it was flat out ridiculous and ruined a lot of really close friendships I had which flat out stinks! For the most part we have been able to work things out with everyone, thank goodness becuase I was about to pack up and move to the middle of BFE bc I'm sure it was better than life here at the time.

I got a job!! In this horrid job market, especially for teachers, I was lucky enough to secure a job for the next year. I went into the interview at 8:30 am and at 12pm I had a job. Second interview I had been on.. yah talk about lucky. I am going to be teaching 5th grade at Newhall Elementary School. I am way scared but SOOOO excited. Yesterday I got to go and see my classroom and it really hit me.. I am going to be responsible for 35 10 -11 year olds!!! I am their teacher... the the classroom all day everyday by myself!! Responsible for all of them and getting them to pass state tests, as well as learn a heck of a lot of curriculum. My good friend Val from the ACT program is also teaching 5th grade which is quite the relief. I am glad to know I will have somone to turn to during the Hell I know next year is going to be.

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A little bit of everything

I graduated college!!... for the third time. HAHAH I am so excited!! I am officially done wit the 9 months of agonizing Hell called the ACT program. It has been so difficult and stressful but I am done! I never thought it would end but to be at this point, to be an official teacher is wonderful!! I can't believe it has been 2 years since I graduated from BYU, that blows my mind!

So I have been getting very clear answers to prayers lately left and right. It has been amazing.
First with the whole Joshua thing. Having God say no, no, no, so clearly was heart breaking but I guess in the long run necessary. It has still been hard but I am finally ready to move on, mostly because of the prayers I utter every single night before I go to bed. I am excited to see what God has in store for me!

Next, Erica and I, as I've said before have a really hard time with singles ward and feeling secluded. Well not anymore! We met two of the most amazing girls. Brynn and Vanessa are the sweetest girls ever! Since the party we have been able to hang out a few times. Erica and I had a graduation pizookie party at BJ's and we even stayed at FHE until 9:30, something that never in the history of us has happen. Tonight we are going to a dance with them and it is going to be so much fun. I have never been so excited to go to a singles ward dance. Usually the first thing I think is ewwww. We also met a few other people who have been the sweetest ever. This truely is an answer to our prayers because I prayed and prayed that we would finally make friends! Anyway I have been sooooo happy lately! My attitude has def changed which has helped a lot too.

China- wow. How do you even describe the pain, heartache, and grief those people are experiencing. I wish I could get on a plane right now, fly over there and help where I could. It makes me sick to think that we are here going on about our lives thinking about our "trials" why their lives are literally falling apart in every way, shape, and form. I am so thankful to be blessed as much as I am, and I know I have no right to complain about anything!! I feel so selfish for falling into my little pitty party about a "broken heart" or dead aunt. Those are nothing compared to what others are experiencing. If there is one thing that living and volunteering in Ecuador taught me-- it is how truely blessed we all are. Gosh I love AMERICA!! I can't stand people who bash it, I'm like why don't you go pack your two 50 pound suitcases and live in a third world country for a few months, that'll change your mind.

Speaking of which I miss my kids more than anything in this world. I am really considering going back as a site leader for 6 months. I look at their pictures every day and think about how they are down there with no parents, and no family. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am adopting. I can't wait to get married so that I can adopt. There are two girls down there that I would snatch up in a second. I learned so much from living there and being with those children, I need to go back. It is not an option, sometime... in time...

Hmmm, well I think it is time to go get busy!

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In memory of Aunt Julie

First facebook note:
Yesterday in the middle of church I, actually Erica, got a text message that said my Aunt had died. Wow, talk about something you are not prepared for! I of course broke down, which was hard for me, because I don't cry in front of people, ever.Erica rushed me out of Sunday School and immediately went to action to help, she is amazing. Jody, a lady I use to baby sit for and one of the most amazing women I have ever met showed up just then to drive me to my aunts and tell me what was going on. Apparently she was there when my mom found out during her church and then rushed to Erica's to try and get phone numbers to text erica because no one could get ahold of me. Anyway Jody took me to my aunts.She also brought dinner over later and checked in on me countless times, and was there, she was there ready to listen to help, she dropped everything in her life and was there. She had plans that day but none of that mattered because we were in need.On the way she told me that my cousin Josh who has Down's Syndrome was home with my aunt and called 911 when she collapsed on the front porch. The paramedics came but couldn't bring her back. Apparently the night before she had taken some allergy medication and had an allergic reaction, her throat swelled and she couldn't breath, we are still waiting on the report of official death. So my cousins Amanda, who is 14 and Travis who is 21 came home to find their mother dead on the front porch, the coroner didn't come until 5 that night, she died around noon. So I arrive and the body is on the porch, cops are around the house, the nosy neighbors are everywhere and everyone else is sobbing. I walk into the house fairly composed ( I deal with grief by trying to fix everything and immediatley go to fix it mode and skip over the sad process because I don't deal with things well)But I walk in and my couins Josh who has Down's is sitting on the floor and he looks and me and says "momma died" and Amanda is sitting in a chair sobbing saying Sunday is Mother's Day and she wont be here. Yah I lost it. I knew I couldn't stay there, so I figured I would go get the car that got left at the church. So I called what I considered to be a very close friend in hysterics because I just didn't know how to handle any of this.It was hard talking to him because I was crying so much. Anyway that person was busy so I called Erica, females are always more receptive and have that intuition and know what to do, she was over there in an instant and took me to the church and talked with me. She is wonderful. So I went back and stayed for awhile until we all went home.When I got home my parents were down stairs and my sister had stayed with my older cousin. I have never had anyone close to me die so I didn't know how to deal with any of this. I needed someone to talk to but I have a really hard time reaching out to people and there are very few people I feel like I can talk to openly. Well, that didn't go over well and I ended up getting more hurt. So I eventually cried so much that I fell asleep, thank goodness. So today I went over there and my sister and I worked on cleaning out my Aunt's room. Talk about hard. There were pictures of her and the kids everywhere. I found a card in the bottom of a drawer with my name on it. It was a graduation card that was for my 8th grade graduation, 7 years ago! It said how much she loved me and how proud of me she was, the ironic thing is I am graduating from CSUN this week. Talk about life's little miracles. I can't even imagine what it is like to lose your mother. Amanda is only 14 years old, she is going to high school next year, going through those times of your life when you really need a mother, and now her mom is gone. She has to move in with her dad to a new town, all new friends, all events she had planned with her mommy are gone, her mom is gone. It makes me sick to the point of throwing up to think about. And mothers day is sunday.Travis who is 21 is being treated as head of the household, not only does he have to lose his mother but he now has to make funeral arrangements, burial arrangements, deal with all the finances, the house, the cars, everything! He just lost his mom!Josh is 19 and has Down's Syndrome, he is a momma's boy and loves his mom more than anything and now has to move in with his dad. Thank goodness he can't process everything fully because having to call 911 and watch your mom die, undescribable. I am grateful to my friends who dropped everything and were there for me without question. I am grateful for the phone calls and the love I have recieved. I am grateful for Coyles who called and was there and would have done anything at my request and for the emails and phone calls from every one else.When I think about my cousins and what they are going through I just break down. I hope that we all realize how important everyone is in our lives. Live each day without regrets, don't put things off until tomorrow beacuse there may not be a tomorrow. Make friends with your enemies, be a good friend, accomplish your dreams, love with all your heart, and live today, be grateful to those people you have in your life and tell them how much you love them. There is so much I would have liked to tell my aunt, I wish I had spent more time with her, I wish I had been around more, I wish I had told her how much I love her and how grateful I am to her for being a second mom when I was younger and raising me. I realize today how important it is to have your life in order and be prepared, because you never know what day will be your last.I am also grateful for our gospel because I know I will see my aunt again and be able to go and hug her and tell her I love her. My cousins aren't memebers and don't have the same beliefs, can you imagine if we could never see those we love again? What a sad thing that would be.


Second note:
Since the death of my Aunt I haven't really had time or the desire to let it process. I cried on Sunday when I found out and then lost it Monday night because all those emotions were mixed with pains of a relationship. But for the rest of the week I pretended like it didn't happen.Today I had to face that reality. I spent the last couple days creating a slideshow to show at the memorial service today and it was a really emotional time. Seeing my Aunt and remembering all the Christmas's, Birthday's, party's and everything we have done together was really emotional. She was an amazing lady who is leaving behind three wonderful children.I am so grateful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, even though it is such a long name :) haha.I realize how true our gospel is and how amazing the support system is. Within minutes of finding out about the death the ladies of the Relief Society went to work. We had dinner brought to our house the night she died. We had people at our house helping with funeral arrangements. And last night until the wee hours of the morning and ALL day today from 9am until 6pm, just now we had women over here working like crazy. The brought all the food, set up the yard, went shopping, and ran the luncheon. The love I feel for them is undescribable. One of the ladies I use to babysit for, for years and she is such an example to me. The other is my friend of 13 years Tawnie's mother who was here for 8 hours today. The women in the church are such a blessing. I feel so blessed to be in a church where you know you have immediate friends who love and care about you.I also love knowing that I will see my Aunt again.The actual funeral was hard. My mother gave the eulogy. Then Julie's children, my cousins, Amanda and Josh both spoke. That was hard. Listening to Amanda talk about how she not only lost her mother but her best friend and hearing my 19 year old cousin who has Down's Syndrome stand before us bawling and say how much he loves him mom and missed her--- yah I finally lost it. Knowing my cousins no longer have their mom in this earth life is really hard. She wont be there to see them get married and have children and all of those very important times.Once agian I hope we realize how important people are in our lives and that we shouldn't hold grudges, life is just too short.I am also grateful to all of those who stayed and cleaned up everything and were sooooo helpful!! I am grateful for Beth who just talked to me for like an hour, something I really needed! Thank you to all of my friends who offered to be here today at the memorial to just sit with me, that really means a lot. Knowing that I have such wonderful amazing people in my life is such a great feeling. I love all the people in my life and am so grateful for all of you!

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No more teaching

So I complain and complain that I have no time.
Well my kids graduate and I finish student teaching, now I have time, but way too much of it!!
Do you know how boring it is to be home all day every day, yes to those of you who are busy busy busy this may seem nice, it did to me at frist but now I am going crazy, and mind you it has only been 3 days. You know it is getting bad when you think cleaning the bathroom sounds like fun. My mother is sure glad I am done, the house has been cleaned from top to bottom and lunch is made everyday, sure she benefits but I am going loco!
In these great economic days we are having I really hope that I find a job soon, I have three college degrees there is now way I am going to end up working at Jersey Mikes. That may sound snobbish-- yah it is, but I am way too smart for that. Great for those of you who need to get out and make money, I commend you but I need a real job and I need one quick!
On a happy note I have a sub orientation fro Saugus, sub interview for Newhall and teacher interview for Newhall... hoooray lets hope something positive comes out of these interviews!

Yesterday I had a thought.... do I really want to stay in Santa Clarita forever?? Yes I have lived in Utah for three years and Ecuador but do I really want to end up here?
I started to think of all the things I can still do, Hey I'm only 21!
Why not go teach in China or Mexico? Why not go to Harvard, just to say I did so.. my mom thinks its a great idea.... haha she just likes the fact that there is a 1% chance I could go there, meet the perfect someone who is smart and going to make some money!
Why not go back to Ecuador? Back to BYU? Something, anything, do I really need to stay here?
Yah it is comfortable, yah it is what I know, but should I let fear stand in the way?
I dunno!! I want to teach I really do but once I start I am in it for the long haul, well at least 2 years... ooooo how much I hate the state of California.. what is this you have to do two more years of dang induction once you finish your credential.. just so you can keep it...dumb dumb dumb. THat is influencing everything right now because I need to start teaching so I can get those two years done.

Another thing why are we so pressured to get married!! I find myself at singles ward thinking... what if I don;t get married? What if I can't find a guy who is not going to COC and has no idea what he wants to do with his life? Ahhh I mean if I start dating someone now and date him for a year then I will be 23, thats not too old but what if I dont start dating someone now....??
Then reality kicks in and I say, "Jessica SHUT UP!"
Freak!! You are only 21, a baby, young, not old, 21 21 21 you do not have to be married! YOu DO NOT live in Utah, you are not obligated to have 2 kids by now and be pregnant with the third, you do not have to marry a guy who has been off his mission for 3 days, you do not have to marry the first guy who comes along, hell you don't have to get married for a long long time!!
geeze... can the singles ward just leave us all alone! :)

On a happy note I decided to have a party. If people won't talk to Erica and I then we are going to make them! If the ward won't have any activities that foster getting to know eachother then we will! (Going to a dance once a month where the music is blaring and you can't even hear yourself think and everyone stands agianst the walls.. that is not really the ideal way to meet that special someone, or anyone for that matter) Anyway so yes Erica and I are having a party and it is going to be really fun!! Now the only question is, are people going to show up?? Man I sure hope so or we are going to look really stupid! But hey we will still have fun, Me, Erica and Miqui and Jessica- who we are forcing to be there! Haha I will have to let you know how this party goes, and for the love I am going to find Erica a man! Now Erica you really need a blog beacause you don't even know I am writing this. Oh! This one time in Utah a bunch of friends got together and bought a bilboard-- they put their friends picture on it and a website then people went to the website and filled out date applications and the guys had dates, a lot of them. Maybe that is the way to go! :)

Alrighty I guess I should go find something to do, just please I hope I find something better than cleaning the bathroom for the third time today.

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Prayers

Man oh man have I learned about prayers this last week.
So two weeks ago Sunday I decided I needed to pray about me and Joshua. I had been struggling all week with bad feelings about our relationship but I really felt that I loved him and could make things work. Maybe it was just a phase?
I prayed, God said no.
God are you sure? God said no again.
God, maybe I am just interpreting these answers wrong, are you saying no? Or can I make this work? Bad feelings still.
God if you want Josh and I to break up he is either going to have to do something so terrible that it makes it easy for me to dump him or you are going to have to have him break up with me. Saturday he broke up with me.
Fastest and clearest answer to a prayer I have ever had.
I felt like Martin Harris and the plates, I am just glad that God did not say oh yah go ahead keep dating him and see what happens.
Even though I got such a clear answer it has still been hard. Yah yah yah we weren't together that long but I fell too fast for that kid, bad move.
And truthfully I think what is bugging me is that I waited until he broke up with me, I shoulda done it while I had the ball in my court.
Only thing my mom said was does Josh sing or play the guitar? No. Well then he just wasn't for you. Lol she knows me a little too well.
Anywho, so I learned more about interpreting prayers and that you may not always get what you want, what you think you need, what sounds right to you because guess what that may not be what the Lord has in store.

I have been struggling with singles ward lately. Erica and I go but whenever we go to activities all the other girls from our ward form circle and clicks and then we get the evil eye. Erica even ventured to talk to two girls on Sunday. The first is moving and the second got up and left right after we talked to her. Strike out.
When I was dating Joshua I got nothing but dirty looks from the girls, why are girls so mean!?
My mom says our problem is that we are competition.
I say damn straight we are two hot mamas! lol
Anyway we got to listen to another talk on Sunday about marriage and dating and how it is the most important thing we can do, imagine that a talk in singles ward about marriage.. that's a new one.

I am done with student teaching this week! I am excited because it will give me more time to focus on school but it will be sad to leave.
I love teaching so much! I get so excited when I think of perfect lessons for my kids or how much they are going to love an acivity we are doing.
Last week I did a unit on a story called Buffalo Hunt. I, excuse me, my parents builed a full size replica of an Indian Tipi (boy do I have a great appreciation for those Indian women, that was hard work)
Well I was able to teach my students in small groups outside in the tipi around the fire as we sat on buffalo rugs! It was sooo much fun! Then my students were able to illustrate their expository paragraphs on the tipi walls using Indian symbols. So much fun.

I am tired. Goodnight.

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