Venting

So beware this is a vent and I am writing when I am mad so yah thats your forewarning.
I hate him. Hes totally turned into the biggest Ahole I have ever met! First and foremost I don't know what happen and probably will never know but 1/2 way through summer things changed and someone didnt want to be friends with me anymore for fear of sending the wrong signals. Ok whatever. about 2 weeks after getting back I go off and write and email and he comes over and we talk and I think things will be fine. Yet he still ignores me ok whatever we cant be friends anymore...stupidest thing I have ever heard. Yet me I cant leave it at that. I get an email from his friend that says why are you so mad at him he feels bad so I am like whatever I am not mad at him in anyway. So I figure maybe I should go over there and just make peace. I talk to my roommate Laura and she says I should I decide no cuz he might think the wrong thing but she keeps pushing so Im like ok maybe it is the right thing to do. So I go over and he is not there so we try one more time and he is still not there so I just leave it with a note and try and make peace but yah nothing. Didnt even bring the effing plate back. So finally tongiht my roommate gets the plate and then goes over to end this whole shiz once and for all. He says that I am being aggressive and ruining the friendship. First and foremost there is no friendship and second I have talked tried talking to him 2x in over a month and a half... that is anything but aggressive!!!!! OK WTF The only reason I even tried to talk is cuz I cant handle having people hate me for no reason and I cant handle people being mad at me and not talkign to people who were friends. It just bugs me sooo much and I personally just cant handle that kinda stuff I just have to settle things and have them be ok. SO forgive me for trying to fix things!! And oh she wont even make eye contact with me... i didnt even see him wave!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Furthermore I was freaked out to move out here in the first place when I found out where I was living cuz I thought he would freak out but I talked to my parents and my dad asured me that he was a really awesome guy and he wouldnt read into it and find it weird that he would think it was kewl to live close to a friend. Obviously my parents were wrong!! GRRR to them having faith in someone they think is awesome cuz he is just retarted so dont even ask why i still want more than anything to just be friends with him. He makes me so happy and is just so much fun to hang out with and i lovED being friends with him but as far as I am concerned that is over. He is being a total jerk and saying that I am being aggressive.. the nerve! Whatever Im sorry for listening to my roommates and Im sorry I live here and Im sorry to ruin his life but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr grrr to all of it. I didnt do anything wrong!! But from now on its over. over. over. over.... haha or at least I will keep telling myself until I can convince myself that we are no longer friends since that is how he is treating the situation. But as my roommates have told me its all in the past just let it be in the past. the key phrase is "use to be" he "use to be" nice "he use to" care. Nope he was just using me and now I am no longer needed. Silly me to think we were actual friends. I thought we could have fun together and that he actually cared even a rats ass about me but aparently I was mistaken cuz I was just someone with a car to kill time with. even though deep down I know that is not true I just hate it I hate it all. Im going home. oh man thank goodness for tawnie we are going to go watch ALIAS and drool over Vaughn cuz he is gorgeous and by the way
ALIAS IS BETTER THAN 24!

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better

Im done with my pitty party. Im just greatful to be alive and experiencing all life has to offer. Its a blessing in itself to be here on this earth and to meet people and have the experience we have. My moms words fill my head these days: people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I love her. Anyways things have been going great, I love teaching i def want to do it for the rest of my life, I am the ward photographer which is a blessing in itself and amazing!, life is great. Tawnie and I are getting along well and having sooo much fun. Ashely and I have been able to hang out often and I love her to death. Im happy.

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GONE

So lately, try as I might, I can't get rid of feelings of depression, well sadness, hurt, anger, just really heavy emotions. So much has been happening as far as friends leaving and it all came at once. First Sarah. My closest friend in Utah, my best friend. The gal who I have lived with for 2 years.. basically a sister. We shared everything and I mean everythign from clothes to food to all our inner thoughs, wow. We had the most amazing times then she moved home to Chicago. I understand why and it was something that she needed to do but Utah is just not the same. I really really really miss her more than anything in this world.
Then I get to Utah and find out that my other close friend from freshman year is going on a mission! I am more than excited for her but she moved back to Bountiful and is leaving in Novemeber.
I spent all summer with my best friend Coyles.. we rollerbladed on Venice beach, went ice skating, made random trips to Ikea and Chevys, had girl talk, lots of fun movies, shopping trips, just sooo much fun, even went camping together, and she even came to utah! But now she is back in Cali and Im missin her more than ever especially since her bday is next week.
My family came out here for my graduation and it really made me think and realize how much I love them. We spent two weeks in Europe this summer and I went camping with my mom and I just really miss them. My sister was suppose to come live out here with me but she bailed, basically becuase of me. Fights happen and now she doesnt talk to me really anymore. We use to talk at least twice a day last year and now I see everyone else in the apt call their parents and have their parents call like everyday and I rarely talk to mine, maybe I should put some more effort into that.
Then to put the cherry on the Sunday I get back here and my friend who I love to death , even still, decides to brush me off. Having suspicions (Sp lol) of what was up I wrote an email and then he came over to "talk". Basically in a very very weird awkward cant really understand way "broke up" with me as a friend and ended our friendship. Not sure what happen there. I mean I can totally understand where he is coming from in thinking that he doesnt want me to expect anything and cant see me like every day and have this obsessive compuslive jessica around but at the same time I dont expect anything like last semester and I am not going to do any of that so I wonder why we can't be casual friends like he is with everyone else. Well I thought we were going to be ok but then I find out that he blocked me from AIM. Now that would make sense in the fact that we use to talk no stop on IM last year but seriously instead of blocking me just say hey I dont want you iming me every single time I sign in lol. I thought we both had fun last year and I thought he could have fun with me but obviously I was wrong. I just hate losing a friend over something so gay! But yah know theres nothing I can do about it except back off and deal with my feelings being hurt. But you know its like having a chocolate cake sitting on your counter and walking by it everyday and seeing it everyday but not being allowed to have any. Not fun. I need to move. I need to get the hell outta here lol.
Basically I just feel like my whole reasons for coming out here and chillin with friends well theres no point anymore, I just want to go home and figure some things out.
However on the positive side, which I have been trying very hardly to look at these last couple weeks... my best friend of 12 years is here with me as my roommate and we have been getting along great! My new roommates are awesome Laura is amazing and we are going to have so much fun together. Hayley is shy and quiet but awesome and gretchen is so nice and I know we are all going to have so much fun.
Work is amazing as well. Seeing 22 beautiful spirits everyday is such a blessing. Being around the kids and watching them do funny things and see their sweet spirits is just so uplifting.
So Im going to try and work on the attitude I just wish everyone would stop abandoning me!!
But I know that everything in life depends on your attitude and the way you chose to look at things from now on Im going about looking at the positive turing situations into learning experiences and making the best out of life!

Gotta Love Kelly:

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you,
I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces

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